Destination Unknown- Next Stop Heartbreak City

"Do you ever feel/ Like a plastic bag/ Drifting through the wind/ Wanting to start again/ Do you ever feel/ Feel so paper thin/ Like a house of cards/ One blow from caving in/ Do you ever feel/ Already buried deep/ Six feet under/ Screams but no one seems to hear a thing" - Firework


I know that everyone is patiently awaiting the date for our first insemination. We were supposed to find out today. Instead- I'm sitting here, trying to figure out what's wrong with me and when this is going to stop hurting so much.


We went to the doctor's today and he did an ultrasound. My follicles, which carry the eggs, have not grown to where they should be. They are less than half the size. The chlomid didn't work. No insemination this month.


We start again next month. Up the dosage of the chlomid. Try that for a third time if it's not successful next month. And then on to a different drug.


I spent most of the day in tears, or trying to hold them back. I feel more and more damaged and defective as this goes on. Yes, rationally, I know that I can not control this. That I have to Let Go and Let God. That it will happen, just not on my time. But in my heart, it doesn't feel that way. 


And really- what if it doesn't happen? What if I'm not meant to have a child? What if I am defective?


It took Bumble Bea and I so long to get to this point. I never wanted kids until I met her. She will be the most amazing mom. And I feel like I'm disappointing her. Like there's this wonderful gift right in front of me that I want to give her, and I can't reach it. 


I feel like I'm nothing. How can I be a woman if I can't have a child? And why am I this way? Why does my body fail me so much?


I never imagined my journey having a child would be like this. So much heartache, such self-doubting. 


I know, as Bumble Bea always tells me- Feelings are NOT Facts. But how do you keep yourself from feeling them?


We go back next Tuesday and hopefully the follicles will have grown. I keep waiting for some good news. Something that will keep me wanting to stay on this road. Sometimes I wonder how much of this I'm going to be able to take. Every month hearing that there's still something wrong with me. 


Old tapes are screaming at me, louder and louder. Not built for use. NOT BUILT FOR USE!


"if you only knew/ What the future holds/ After a hurricane/ Comes a rainbow/ Maybe a reason why/ All the doors are closed/ So you could open one/ That leads you to the perfect road" -Firework