My Reasons for the Season

It's that time of the year. I look around and constantly hear and see "Jesus is the Reason for the Season." .. I have a different take on Christmas and the holiday season.


I consider myself spiritual but not religious. I got to a church that believes that we are all on a journey, we all take different paths, but we're taking it together. I love that idea. In my world, Jesus isnt exactly the reason for the season.


Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. The lights, decorations, getting a tree, gifts, the smells, everything. I tend to make it something it's never been for me. Christmas has not always been good to me. One year, when I was in junior high, after we'd opened our gifts, and had a great morning, I was in my room putting up my new posters, trying on my new clothes. My father came in, and told me he was leaving my mom. Parents, no matter how bad it is, dont tell your kids youre splitting up on Christmas. 


One Christmas Eve my great grandmother died. Ok, actually, it was the night before my fathers announcement. Doesnt get much worse than that.


Another year, my father promised me the most awesome cowboy boots. They were done in cow skin, black and white. Thats all I wanted. He would take me to the store, for months to find the right size, make sure I still wanted them. Christmas Eve came. He gave me my gift. I opened it. A boot box! ...Inside though was another box. And another and another. Until it was a small jewelry box. Inside was a gold necklace with Jesus on a cross. Never in his life had my dad been to church or believed in God. And I was the same way...


Two years ago my baby sisters father went on a trip at this time. He never came home. 
Christmas, hasnt always been good to me. But I still continue to try. Because what Christmas is to me, isnt Jesus or religion or church.


Its family. Its the one time of year I know ill be with my mom and sisters and niece, and my Bumble Bea. Its opening our stockings every year. Its knowing that there will be a box of sees candy that well pass around as we open gifts. That once were done my mom will make everyone waffles. Its going to my moms every year and decorating her tree. Hearing the stories of where each ornament came from. She has ornaments from before I was born. Its knowing that there are specific gifts Ill get from my mom each year. Christmas to me is about finding that perfect gift for the people in my life. Its about flavors of food that you can only get this time of year. Christmas is about staying in bed during the cold weather. Every year Bea and I take a night and we watch Rudolph and Frosty and the Grinch while eating pizza and wrapping gifts. Its about loading up my car with those gifts and making the 6 hour drive to my moms. Spending a week or two watching my niece while shes out of school. 


These past few months have been especially hard on our family. But I know that come Christmas morning, all of that will be set aside. Because Family and Love are the true reasons for this season. ..at least in my world!

Destination Unknown- Next Stop Heartbreak City

"Do you ever feel/ Like a plastic bag/ Drifting through the wind/ Wanting to start again/ Do you ever feel/ Feel so paper thin/ Like a house of cards/ One blow from caving in/ Do you ever feel/ Already buried deep/ Six feet under/ Screams but no one seems to hear a thing" - Firework


I know that everyone is patiently awaiting the date for our first insemination. We were supposed to find out today. Instead- I'm sitting here, trying to figure out what's wrong with me and when this is going to stop hurting so much.


We went to the doctor's today and he did an ultrasound. My follicles, which carry the eggs, have not grown to where they should be. They are less than half the size. The chlomid didn't work. No insemination this month.


We start again next month. Up the dosage of the chlomid. Try that for a third time if it's not successful next month. And then on to a different drug.


I spent most of the day in tears, or trying to hold them back. I feel more and more damaged and defective as this goes on. Yes, rationally, I know that I can not control this. That I have to Let Go and Let God. That it will happen, just not on my time. But in my heart, it doesn't feel that way. 


And really- what if it doesn't happen? What if I'm not meant to have a child? What if I am defective?


It took Bumble Bea and I so long to get to this point. I never wanted kids until I met her. She will be the most amazing mom. And I feel like I'm disappointing her. Like there's this wonderful gift right in front of me that I want to give her, and I can't reach it. 


I feel like I'm nothing. How can I be a woman if I can't have a child? And why am I this way? Why does my body fail me so much?


I never imagined my journey having a child would be like this. So much heartache, such self-doubting. 


I know, as Bumble Bea always tells me- Feelings are NOT Facts. But how do you keep yourself from feeling them?


We go back next Tuesday and hopefully the follicles will have grown. I keep waiting for some good news. Something that will keep me wanting to stay on this road. Sometimes I wonder how much of this I'm going to be able to take. Every month hearing that there's still something wrong with me. 


Old tapes are screaming at me, louder and louder. Not built for use. NOT BUILT FOR USE!


"if you only knew/ What the future holds/ After a hurricane/ Comes a rainbow/ Maybe a reason why/ All the doors are closed/ So you could open one/ That leads you to the perfect road" -Firework

Infant Life Vests Wanted- Our Baby Making Journey Thus Far

So, we're in the beginning stages of the baby making process, and i know a lot of my friends and family have bits and pieces of what's going on, but no actual details. i figured i'd write about what's been going on on this rocky road we've decided to journey.


Bumble Bea and i are both learning that this journey was nothing like we thought, so i hope others can read this, and get a better idea, not just of the costs, but of what an emotional time this is and how it can take its toll on the relationship.


A few weeks ago Bumble Bea and i were recommended a place that does the actual insemination by our new OBGYN. we had our initial consultation ($200) and it went really well. We were ready to start- and wanted to start that day if we could!


Going back to my past first- i have been on and off birth control pills various times in my life and went back on them a few years ago because i was vomiting and passing out during my period. the pills gave me this horrible skin discoloration on my face, so i went off, and started getting depo every three months. i got the depo shot twice, before Bumble Bea and i decided that we wanted to start trying for a kid. little did i know how those two shots would screw my body up. that was a year ago last october. it's been 17 months. i have not had a normal period in those 17 months.


So.....when we went to this new doctor we found out that my body is a bit questionable, and they're not really sure whats going on with it. i've been going in for ultrasounds every few days for the past two weeks. ($200 a visit- we've spent $1,000 just for my ultrasounds). last saturday my ultrasound showed that i should be ovulating that day, so i bought an ovulation test ($40) and peed on the stick. no happy face for me. the next day i tested myself, and YEAH! i was ovulating! everything must be fine lets get going! or not.


I had to go in yesterday to get my blood tested for my progesterone level. ($80) they called me in the afternoon and told me that my level is 7.4. normal is 10. this isn't good.  this means that i have to start taking Chlomid, a fertility drug. the nurse told me that i have to start taking it on the 5th day of my period. right now, that's all i know about it. i started to research it, but got a little freaked out and went into information overload.


Thats all of the technical stuff.  all of the emotional stuff has been overwhelming. i know rationally that there's nothing i can do about whats going on (or whats not going on) in my body, but to find out that you can't have children on your own, is really..disheartening. women are supposed to make babies. thats our purpose, right? everyone in my family gets pregnant at the drop of the hat. i'm the oldest grandchild, the only one without a child. 


My ex, who i was with for four years, told me every day that i was not built for use. i started thinking- maybe i'm not. maybe i'm just not good enough. yes- old tapes started playing, and i started questioning myself. at times, i just want to crawl into bed and cry. why can't i have a child? why does it have to be me? why can't i be like everyone else? i have worked so hard for everything in life, why do i have to work so hard for this? is there anything that's going to come easy?


and it's all stuff i keep inside. Bumble Bea doesn't get it. she thinks that it's just something that's happening, i'll take some drugs, we'll have a baby, and its fine. but inside- how can i not feel damaged? thats how i feel. like i'm damaged goods. 


on top of that, this has got me thinking about the devil- a.k.a my dad. my sperm donor. for some reason, this process has me missing him. but the good things about him. things i like to act like were not a part of him. i miss his teasing, the way he smelled (old spice and cigarettes), his charming-ness. and i keep thinking, my mom did this amazing job raising rachelle and i. she couldn't have done anything more for us. but i still miss having a dad. not my dad, but a dad. and what about my kid. will they miss having a dad? Bumble Bea and i will be the best parents and give our kids the world, but will it be enough? will they ask about who their dad is? will they miss not having a dad, or will they not notice the lack of one because they never had one to begin with?

New Year's Resolutions

I had a tradition (short lived) with the ex where we would go to our favorite coffee place each January 1st and write our resolutions for the new year regarding each other on a napkin. I still have a few of the ex's napkins shoved somewhere in a book of Pablo Neruda poems. None of the resolutions were kept, of course.


Well, I'm at the Tampa airport, not my favorite coffee shop, and this is a computer, not a napkin, and the resolutions are about me, not the ex, so let's give this a whirl....


1.HAVE A BABY!!!!!!!!
2.Read more books in 2011 than I did in 2010 (82) Of those books, one a month will be a classic
3. Learn to knit
4. Take a knife skills class and learn to cut/slice/chop food
5. Become fluent in Spanish (using the Rosetta Stone program Bumble Bea got me for Xmas!)
6. Spend more time with my family
7. Get in shape!!!!
8. Pay more attention to Bumble Bea's needs/wants
9. Write more blog entries/book reviews
10.Visit one place I've never been


I decided to limit it to 10 because I want to actually accomplish some of them. Yes, I know resolutions are silly and I'm sure that the majority of them don't keep them, but it feels good to make them and it doesn't hurt anyone does it??


HAPPY 2011!!!!!!!