Bring the GLAMOR Back!!

I  know many of you will be flying for the holidays, and I’ve put together a list of rules, or just in general things people should (but I guess don’t) know when flying…. (and these come from actual things that happen to me)

Luggage

When storing luggage, if you can’t close the bin because your bag is too big please dont leave it there and walk away. If you cant close the bin, I cant close it either.

If the bin door is closed, it means that the bin is full. Save yourself some time, and don’t open it.

You packed it, so you lift it. Don’t ask me to lift your heavy bag. I don’t ask you to lift mine.

If there aren’t any empty bins, there isn’t any space. Dont ask me why there isn’t any space left. I don’t know why. Actually I do- you and every other passenger brought ten bags instead of two. And your laptop, and your purse, and your cat, and…. And no, I cant make space appear out of thin air. I’m sorry.

If your bags don’t fit under the seat, don’t try to hide them with your legs. Again, we’re not stupid (though sometimes we do act blind!) Find a place for them, because you’ll be the one delaying the flight if we have to check them.

Contrary to popular belief, I do know what I am doing. Please do not try to tell me how to store luggage (or how to do anything else for that matter). I was trained on this- for 7 weeks! AND I do this every day of my life. So put your bags in, sit down, and shut up!

Food and Beverages

When you see us coming through the aisle, or hear the announcement, please get your feet out of the aisle. Or, better yet, just keep them out of the aisle at all times. I know there’s not a ton of room, but I hate tripping and if you get your toes run over by the cart- we’ll you won’t be too happy.

When I ask what you would like to drink, please don’t say “What Do You Have?” Do you honestly want me to go through the list? Well, here it is. Coke and Diet, Sprite and Diet, Ginger Ale, Tonic, Seltzer, Sparkling and Bottled Water, Orange, Apple, Cran Apple and Tomato Juice, Bloody Mary Mix, Coffee, Tea White and Red Wine, and mixed drinks. Do you know how long it takes us to run through that? Look at the magazine in the seatback pocket if you want to know!

I can’t read your mind. I know, if only… So if you want cream or sugar in your coffee, tell me. If you don’t want ice in your drink tell me before- notAFTERI’ve poured the drink and handed it to you. On that note- when you ask me for a drink, do not change your mind once I’ve searched for it, found it, and handed it to you.

Please don’t ask me for more than two drinks at a time (especially when you’re on a 45 minute flight). Let me get through everyone first, I have no problem coming back to you. Plus- are you really THAT thirsty?

If you want something to drink, be awake! I am not going to wake you up. That’s just rude (and more work for me!) And, if you are awake, be aware. Im not going to stand there waiting for you to notice me- I’m going to say “excuse me”, and then I’m going to move on. If I do move on, or miss you, kindly let me know. No need to be rude about it. You were asleep and that’s why you didn’t get a drink. I didn’t skip you on purpose. I promise.

If I stop serving you alcohol, no, it’s not because you’ve got purple hair or ugly, or whatever prejudice you want to accuse me of. It’s because I’ve served you six already, and you’re so drunk your hands are shaking so badly you can’t even hold a cup.

If I don’t give you a snack, that means… there aren’t any! If I hand you pretzels, not peanuts, that means we have pretzels, not peanuts. I’m not singling you out- I just am giving you what I have. I promise.

Rubbish (trash)

When I come by with a bin or bag for garbage, dont just look at me and then look at your trash. I’m human, and I’m not your maid. Please kindly hand it to me, or place it in the bag/bin.

Contrary to popular belief, I only have…TWO, yes TWO hands. Just like you! So please, don’t hand me two handfuls of garbage when you see that my hands are full. If I’m carrying a bag, or bin, place the garbage in it, and if I’m walking through the aisle with my hands full, please don’t hand me more. I don’t like sticking garbage down my shirt.

Do not hand me your dirty diaper or vomit bag. Thats just gross. Get off your bum and go place it in the garbage in the restroom. I mean, seriously people. T

Do not hand me trash when I am on the drink cart. Would you want your waitress picking up the next tables trash while she still had your food in her hand?

The Galley

This is my office. Please keep that in mind. Don’t do anything in my office that you wouldn’t want people doing in your office.

Please don’t stand in the back next to me and make out with a fellow passenger. Ew.

Please don’t let your baby/toddler run around barefoot in the galley. (And on that note, don’t do it yourself either)

Don’t change your baby on the floor of the plane. If you knew what took place…whats fallen..whatever.

Please don’t sit on the jumpseat or put your feet on it. Its a federal law that you don’t sit on it, and remember, that’s my seat. Would you like it if I came into your office and walked on your seat?

If you see a magazine, book, anything on the jumpseat, DO NOT TAKE IT! IT’S MINE!!! I wouldn’t go into your office and take something. I wouldn’t take something from your passenger seat. (But please feel free to leave magazines and books on the plane when youre finished. We love them!!!)

Yes, I like working with people. And I’m sure you’re very nice, even though you’ve been yelling at me the whole flight. But no, I do not want to know your life story. I do not want to tell you mine. So don’t come back and start talking my ear off.

Restrooms

I don’t clean restrooms. So please, don’t pee on the floor. And if there is pee on the floor- there’s nothing I can do about it. But you can feel free to clean it up!

Coffee is a deoderizer. At least we like to believe that. So if you see coffee in the restroom, thats why it’s there. And no, we do not use it to make your coffee later.

PUSH means exactly what it says PUSH. That’s how you open the restroom door. It’s not the cigarette ashtray. Just READ and follow the PICTURES.

Occupied means there’s someone OCCUPYING the restroom. Open and Toilet means you can go in.

Close the door when you’re done.

Seatbelts and the Safety Demo

It is a FEDERAL LAW that you remain seated while the seatbelt sign is on. You can be fined thousands of dollars. And trust me- the FAA will fine you. Would you drive in your car without your seatbelt on? And don’t ask me if you can use the restroom. I’m going to tell you no. You know the sign is on. DUH! Also, please don’t say “But I have to use the restroom.” Obviously you do. Thats why you’re there. Or did you think you were going to get a better seat in there?

I know- you hate watching the safety demonstration. But, please, just give us the respect of sitting there and shutting up. If you get up, we have to start over. Other people may be first time travellers. Plus its just plain rude to talk while were doing it. Read, or silently tell yourself how much you hate this. Or enjoy the view of cute little me putting on show just for you!

Announcements

I know they’re tedious and boring and you think you know them all. But you don’t. If you did, your seat would be in its most upright, uncomfortable position, your phone/mp3 player/dvd player would be off, and your tray table would be stowed.

In Flight

Remember, the entire time youve been stuck on the plane, I’ve been there with you. I probably have no idea what city I’m in, what time it is, and what day it is. Don’t ask me about your connection. I’m not on the ground. And no, they don’t hold flights for you, as special as you are. If you’re late, its left. Without you. No matter how much you yell at me.

I dont know where your luggage is, where it’s going, where it’s been. Im a Flight Attendant, not a luggage person. Since we fly thousands of people every day, it’s probably where it’s supposed to be. Again- yell at me as much as you want. I still can’t give you any answers.

I didn’t assign you your seat. I’m sorry if you don’t like it. Next time, choose your seat online.

I’m sorry, but I’m not a mechanic. I can’t make your reading light work or your air vent work, or your seat stay up or go back. Please let me know, so I can write it up, but don’t yell at me about it.

No, I didn’t cause your delay or cancellation. I swear. If you’re in Chicago, Denver or NY or anywhere else and it’s snowing- guess what- it was probably the weather. Trust me- I want to get to my hotel room or home just as much as you do!!

No, I can’t make the baby in front of you stop screaming. I can’t make the passenger in front of you put her seat up. I can’t tell the person behind you to stop snoring.

Please be aware of your hygiene. Check your breath, wear some deoderant, wash your hands-remember- we’re stuck in a little metal tube with you. And it can get ugly! (and smelly!)

Don’t touch me. Anywhere. Don’t pat my back, don’t grab my ass or other areas. If you want my attention, don’t touch me. Just say “Excuse me” And not “M’am”. How old do I look? I’m NOT a M’am!

While in the Airport

Please don’t ask me when your flight leaves. I am lucky if I know when and where my flight leaves from. I don’t know every flight. I’m sorry. Those pretty computers in the terminal that say DEPARTURES- that’s what those are for.

Please don’t ask me where your gate is. Read the signs, just like I do. I’m in a different airport every day. Today I will be in 4 different ones. I have no clue where anything is.

Unless your friend, family member, high school buddy works for my company and is based in Los Angeles, don’t ask me if I know them. Do you know how many thousands and thousands of flight attendants there are? That’s like me asking you if you know my friend Joe who lives in San Francisco because you live there.

Sex

If you are a man and you hit on me, I’m going to tell you I’m gay. This is not an invitation to hit on me more. This means exactly that. I am gay. I dont not want to sleep with you. I’m a flight attendant, but I am not single, I am not a whore, and I’m not here to “service” you. I’m not attempting to turn you on. And those fantasies you’re having about me and my girlfriend- they are SOOOOO far from reality. (Love you Bumble Bea)

If you are a woman and you ask if I am married or have a man, or whatever I will tell you no. If you continue to ask and pry, I will tell you I am gay and I have a partner. This does not mean that I am attracted to you and want to sleep with you.

I know- the belief is that all Flight Attendants are whores. And yes, most of us are. But, some of us arent! (GASP!)

I hope these have brought you some laughter, and help when flying or in the airport. I know you want to blame me for everything- but I really do promise that I love my job , I am not trying to make your life hell- and no, I am not the Goddess of weather, pilots, luggage handlers, mechanics or seat pickers. I attend to your safety in flight!